running

I always thought the expression “eating your feelings” was a little silly.

That is, until my mom died.

Now I completely understand it.

Ever since June 16th, 2014, the day she died, I literally feel like I cannot stop eating at most meals. And by meals, I mean breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. I’m not going to get into this too much, other than I know this is a process and I’m working through this and many other “issues”.

Anyhooooo, in an attempt to make healthier choices and lose (I’ll even take maintain at this point!) some of the weight I’ve gained while eating my feelings, I decided to run on the treadmill this morning in the workout room. And, to clarify, when I say “run”, I mean that I jog at a somewhat faster pace for several minutes and then walk for a few minutes and keep rotating walking and running (er, jogging) for an hour. I used to be able to run for the entire length of time, but along with my eating habits, my workout schedule has really been in a slump the last couple of years.

I’m always amazed by how many thoughts you can have when you’re just staring at a treadmill display or looking out the window at the lake. Today, my thoughts sounded like this:

I cannot believe it was exactly one year ago that we were saying goodbye to Mom’s house. I cannot believe that both Vanessa and Patrick were there, and now they’re gone. I cannot believe how many people we’ve lost this year…

All of these thoughts were running through my mind when I heard Vanessa’s voice say, “You know I love you, right?” followed by her hilarious, one-of-a-kind laugh. Of all the people we’ve recently lost, she is the one I “hear” most often. I haven’t exactly heard Patrick just yet…he’s been a quiet presence…more like a shadow. Right after that thought, the song “Just Breathe” came on, which I sent to my mother-in-law, Carolyn, when she was sick and, therefore, I think of her every time I hear it. Within the first few notes of the song, I imagined her saying, “Hey! What about me?!” followed by her laugh.

Girrrrrlllll, you are trippin’ was my next thought.

I wonder if I’m the only one whose “inner dialogue” (i.e., hearing voices, seeing shadows, etc.) sounds/feels like this…I sure hope not. If I am, then I’ll need to start working on this along with an ever-growing list of issues.

Anyway…back to the treadmill, I continued with my workout and random, not-so-interesting thoughts and was doing really well when I suddenly became overheated. And not just a bit overheated, but the I’m going to pass out or get sick right here kind of overheated. I paused the display, slowly stepped off the treadmill and went to turn on one of the fans that sits in front of the machines. It wasn’t working so I tried to reset it, unplug, plug it back in, etc., still no luck. I gave up and when I turned around an elderly lady had jumped on the treadmill.

“Oh, looks like you had a pretty good workout!” she said pointing at the numbers on the display.

“Uh…well, I, uh…yes, thank you…I did. Oops, just have to grab my keys.” I stammered, reaching over the treadmill display and into the cup holder for my keys.

I can’t really pinpoint what I was feeling, which is part of my problem, but sometimes this kindness project presents itself at just the right moments. :o)

How I feel today – except substitute “JB’s pizza” for cake (google images) : )

#99. Let someone else use the treadmill. (RAK of the Week)

#98. Complimented a stranger on his (awesome) cowboy hat.

#97. Cleaned off counter at rest stop.

#96. Donated gently used clothes to Good Will.

#95. Wrote an encouraging note to a friend.

#94. Donated dog treats to pet shelter.

#93. Re-shelved cleaning supplies sitting in middle of aisle.

#92. Paid a compliment to a stranger at Stop and Shop.

For my close friends and family who know me by my potty mouth…it’s NOT that “s” word. Although one day, I’d love to write about all of the benefits (at least in my case) of using four-letter-words. :o) This word has seven letters and, just like many four-letter-words, it’s part of my every day vocabulary.

The “s” word is SUICIDE.

I used to cringe every single time I heard that word. It was usually delivered in hushed tones, a whisper almost, like a deep, dark secret. That’s not to say that the word doesn’t bother me – it does. But it’s different now.

While we still have a long way to go with suicide awareness, prevention, education and advocacy, we are making significant progress by saying the word out loud. By taking away the shame often associated with the word itself, we are opening up a whole new dialogue that just didn’t exist when I first encountered it back ’93-94 when my brother died by suicide.

Some of the most powerful dialogue comes from people who have survived a suicide attempt. These individuals can describe in vivid and heartbreaking detail what they were feeling just before their attempts. These accounts provide critical information for physicians, psychologists, researchers, families, friends, etc., so that they (we) can not only assist the person in pain, but also analyze the details and make new recommendations and discoveries for mental health and suicide prevention.

I feel honored to have been put in touch with one such person. A survivor. Her name is Sara and she is this year’s Mrs. Montana International. Her platform is H.O.P.E. for Suicide Prevention and she is raising funds for the AFSP|American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. On May 21st, she is running a half marathon and calling it “Running for Angels” as she will be wearing the names of friends, family and complete strangers who have died by suicide. I have asked her to add Brian, John and Patrick’s names to her list.

I am so grateful for people like Sara.

You can click on the following link to see her page and all of her courageous efforts:

https://www.facebook.com/Sara-Dukart-Mrs-Montana-International-2016-783768348374802/?ref=eyJzaWQiOiIwLjQ4NjQwODk1ODY4MzUwODkiLCJxcyI6IkpUVkNKVEl5VTJGeVlTVXlNRVIxYTJGeWRDVXlNQzBsTWpCTmNuTWxNakJOYjI1MFlXNWhKVEl3U1c1MFpYSnVZWFJwYjI1aGJDVXlNREl3TVRZbE1qSWxOVVEiLCJndiI6IjlkN2RlYzY1OWIyZTZkMmRhNDY3MzU1Y2FiZWUzY2ExNjI0NjVhY2QifQ

I just realized another seven-letter “s” word that is part of my every day vocabulary: SURVIVE.

#79. Made a donation to AFSP (RAK of the Week): https://www.crowdrise.com/afspfargo2016/fundraiser/saradukart (RAK of the Week)

#78. Delivered St. Patrick’s Day treats to friends, neighbors and teachers.

#77. Sent St. Patrick’s Day cards to a couple of friends.

#76. Helped a neighbor who was struggling with an online form.

#75. Donated gently used toys to Goodwill. (I always have such a difficult time letting go of the kids’ things.)

choosing grace

while i have a choice, i am choosing grace

eatin’, trippin’ and rak’n

the “s” word.